Quit Flipping Out About Lack of Rey Toys

I've had enough of the #wheresrey fury. Has everybody forgotten what a cruel and hostile place Facebook was leading up to the release of "The Force Awakens." The only thing you saw on there were memes about how you were going to get force choked if you happened to give away any spoilers. Heck, even posting a SPOILER FREE review of the movie could lead to getting unfriended in droves at best, and swift kicks to the nuts at worst.

So just reflect on that state of rage for a minute and then consider the fact that the situation only existed at all because Disney did a tremendous job in keeping the details of the film hidden throughout production. When you look back on it, that is a pretty amazing feat. I mean, it's not as if there weren't journalists, bloggers and fanboys sifting through JJ Abrams trash on daily basis looking for some sort of doodle on a napkin or piece of toilet paper that might give the game away.

Disney clearly had a completely air tight strategy for not allowing spoilers to get out there. Good for them. I didn't know much about the film when I saw it and that's a testament to security.

Part of that strategy was clearly not releasing any Rey figures because after seeing the movie you're going to want a Rey figure equipped with a blue lightsaber. There's no menace here, there's no anti-female agenda (the woman is the lead of the movie after all). All we have is a scenario consistent with airtight security. The conversation probably went something like this:

"So, do we release some Rey figures?"

"WHAT?! With her holding a lightsaber? That will ruin everything, are you nuts? Save them for after release."

"Well, couldn't we have some ready to ship a week or so after the film opens?"

"Are you f#$%ing kidding me? Have you ever talked to a Star Wars fan? Half of them still harbor resentment over the jackass who mentioned Darth Vader was Luke's father. Absolutely not!"

"Well, we can at least get the molds ready and..."

"NO, are you deaf? NO, NO, NO, we are absolutely NOT going to do that unless you proposing burning down the factories afterward and killing everyone who worked there. If you make the molds, somebody is going to talk, if you put the figures in packaging, somebody is going to talk, I haven't taken the absurd, paranoid steps to secrecy for the last 3 years to blow this over an action figure. The secret must remain safe!"

"Well...what about 6 weeks after release?"

"NO, NO, NO! Don't you understand how hard it is to manufacturing the toys, package them, put them on trucks, and have them stocked on store shelves? Once the movie is released, the kids are going to want the toys. They'll wait. It's more important that we don't BLOW THE SECRET!"

So, yeah, I'm sure it went more or less like that. Look, I have two little girls, my favorite part of the film was that the hero is a heroine. It's great my girls have somebody to look up to who kicks ass and keeps her clothes on. And I'm also really happy the truth of Rey's importance wasn't ruined by Facebook or the premature release of any toys. Look, if you're going to demand absolutely secrecy on the internet about a movie, you can't flip out when the production company goes to absurd lengths to provide that secrecy. You can't have it both ways. So can we all just dial down the outrage to about 1? I'm sure there are some kids starving to death somewhere that are much more worthy of your 10 daily memes.

Episode VII is a pro-female film, this is not the injustice you're looking for, you can go about your business, move along...